Intimate relationships can be wonderful and fulfilling as long as both partners are willing and able to be introspective, own their behavioural patterns and commit to doing their personal work whenever they discover that there is a need for it.
Everyone of us displays narcissistic traits from time to time and we have all been guilty of abusive behaviour when unable to regulate our emotions. However, when there is a clear pattern of repeated abusive behaviour and resistance to addressing and resolving it, there is cause for concern. Here is an example of what a cycle of abuse might look like:
1. The Abuser is subjected to stress (work, money, parenting, health etc.) and starts feeling powerless.
2. The Abuser chooses to act out towards partner/spouse with name-calling, insults, accusations, threats etc.
3. The Victim either defends themself or tries to avoid conflict with silence or withdrawal.
4. As the tension increases, the abuser resorts to rage, neglect, and rejection or abandonment of the partner.
5. The Victim responds by trying to meet all of the abusers needs in an effort to calm them down and avoid rejection.
6. When the abuser calms down, they are wrought with remorse, guilt and shame.
7. The Victim responds with pitty, soothing and acceptance.
8. Partners are enmeshed, overprotective and overindulgent with each other… until next time.
If you are caught in such a cycle of abuse with your intimate partner, whether you are the abuser or the victim, the most important thing to understand is that BOTH parties have personal work to do. Just as much as the abuser has to understand why they behave that way, the victim has to understand why they tolerate and enable that behaviour and they both have to resolve their issues and equip themselves to change their behaviour. The good news is that your relationship can improve considerably if both of you succeed in the process of self-discovery, learning and growth but if you don’t both do your share, there is no chance for a breakthrough.
The adversity is far from over when you have done the work and are in the process of growing, while your partner is just not getting with the programme. Truth be told, if you are constantly learning, growing and doing better, you cannot afford to be in a relationship with anyone – be it a lover, family member, friend, colleague or child – who does not support you. Many people reject or ostracise individuals who are working hard on themselves and breaking generational trauma, simply because they are still blissfully ignorant of their own issues, or they are aware but fear and pain prevent them from addressing it.
That being said, identifying a cycle of abuse in an intimate relationship or any other relationship for that matter, is vitally important and the first step towards healing.
Also Read Intimate Terrorism and Situational Couple Violence