Silent Treatment is emotional abuse and stonewalling is passive-aggressive. Period.
There are times when we go silent for valid reasons, like when we want to avoid saying something that we might regret afterward or when we need time to think about the situation, gain some perspective and formulate a good response. Other times we might go silent when we are really deeply hurt or shocked and literally unable to speak or respond. These types of silences are normally for a short period and they are not habitual.
Some people have a habit of going silent for long periods and they do that to exert power over you and manipulate you into doing something they want you to do or give them something they want from you. They stonewall you by refusing communication and withholding connection thereby creating emotional distance to hurt you deliberately or to “punish” you. The purpose of this kind of behaviour is usually to get control over you or to regain control they perceived to have had over you.
The negative impact of silent treatment or stonewalling is profound. It threatens your self-esteem and the break-down in communication robs you of your sense of belonging. When you are on the receiving end of silent treatment or stonewalling, it leads you to question the meaning of your existence because it is so painful. It also leaves you with a helpless feeling that you have no control over your own life, as if this person is holding all the cards and will not budge or compromise. It is an untenable situation to be in.
What does silent treatment and stonewalling tell us about the person?
People who behave this way are obviously very immature and simply don’t have the social skills to overcome differences between themselves and other people. They don’t know how to express themselves in a civilised manner so they resort to active retaliation and senseless drama. Emotional abusers of this kind are most often afraid of intimacy so they keep themselves safe by creating an insurmountable or unbreakable wall between you. When you can’t reach them, they can’t be held accountable for their actions and they also don’t have to apologise to you for what they’ve done. Blocking all communication means that you cannot have an open, honest conversation about the issue, so the matter never gets addressed and has no chance of being resolved. Actually, people who do this are unkind, unfair and simply mean and this abusive behaviour is toxic.
There is always a possibility that someone who behaves this way developed unhealthy attachment as a child and is therefore stuck in a trauma response. While we have to always be aware that this behaviour is abusive to the recipient and does not have to be tolerated, it is also important to be mindful of the root cause(s) and origin. If you recognise these patterns in your own behaviour, it is time for you to acknowledge that you have personal work to do, so that you can grow into a better version of yourself.
What can you do about it?
- Do NOT take it personally – it is NOT about you – it’s a reflection of that person’s limitations.
- Don’t be manipulated. Don’t give them what they are trying to force you to do.
- Do NOT retaliate or engage in a competition by reciprocating the silent treatment or stonewalling.
- Do NOT beg them or try to bargain with them.
- Do NOT respond. Zero reaction is your best option, believe me.
- Avoid getting into a position where they can ignore you or refuse to communicate with you and if you happen to find yourself vulnerable to their abuse, remove yourself from the situation immediately.
- DO explain the impact of their behaviour on you ONCE only. Do NOT repeat yourself.
- DO express your willingness to address and resolve the issue ONCE only. Do NOT repeat your offer.
- If the abusive behaviour persists, you have no choice but to END the relationship.
- If your child is treating you this way, you can create enough distance to PROTECT yourself from their abuse and continue to hold a loving space for them until they are ready to communicate with you to resolve the issue(s).
- When communication is repaired, do NOT leave the issue unresolved. Acknowledgement, accountability and restitution is vital for healthy relationships.